State of the Soul Address

The last post was just to you fill you in on what our winter break trip entailed.  For this post, i want to share with you the things that are much more important than seeing different countries.  First of all, i need to make a confession.  I realized that in most of my entries i share the positive things that are going on in my life and around me.  I do not want to deviate from this but testify to the joy, goodness, and faithfulness that He brings.  However, it is wrong for me to focus on these without admitting my struggles, dry seasons, and frustrations that come from being in a relationship and being human.  There have been many difficult times in my walk, but i see now that the joy far outweighs the trials to bring me to that point.  Like a woman who was in labor forgets the pangs of childbirth when that child is in her arms.  I have never been in childbirth nor will i admit to relating to what a woman experiences (i actually got that analogy from this good Book i've been reading), and even though it is varying in degree, it is one of the awesome ways in which He works.  But still, i want to be real with those who have been keeping up with me back home.  I have lain on my face asking for His presence to come and it doesn't.  I have laid hands on the crippled and sick asking for the reality of His power to be made known to these people and nothing happens (that i can see or at that moment).  I have devoted spending time to seeking His face and lifting up individuals and i see a regression.  There have also been times where i stray away from Him and place other things as more important.  This was true for most of my trip.  I made decisions that put other things as more important than Him, especially when my world clashed with western culture again.  I have elevated myself to the point of self-righteousness, where pride is arrogantly glaring through the haughty eyes that i would view my world through.  There are times where my faith is tainted with doubt and even when i question my security in Him.  And this is painful to admit, but i have to say it so that you can see i am a flawed man in desperate need of a Savior.  And that's what i love about Him.  He is faithful when we are faithless, so much so that His name is 'Faithful' (revelation 19:11).  He takes the broken and uses them.  He clothes them in white and puts a ring on their finger.  He calls them His children and invites them to sit at His table, to share in His joy.  He loves us so much that He puts the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead inside of us to live and abide in us.  His love is strong, His grace sufficient, and His power available to all who believe.  It's hard to focus on your inadequacies when the One Who created the heavens and the earth and spoke life into creation says, "I still love you."  It's a wonderful mystery i won't ever understand, but it's reality and i'm gonna live in it.

Even though i don't see exactly everything i hoped for (yet), i've been learning an imortant lesson.  He has been showing me to base my faith on His promises rather than on my experiences.  So i share this to dissolve any thought that i have it together and that everything's perfect over here.  The truth is i'm a mess but am still privileged to take part in His kingdom.  I'm going to keep pursuing Him and falling more in love with the One who loves me more than i can know.  And that brings me to the next thing that i wanted to address.  I'm not sure what He has planned for my future, but i feel like there is some direction and i am leaning toward a decision.  A desire in me has been building up to be equipped, poured into, and sent out again.  I can't remember if i shared this earlier, but my intention in going to beijing to hear francis chan speak was to ask about possible discipling opportunities.  Though i don't think that is what He has for me, i do believe that devoting this next season of my life to seeking His face, reading the Word, functioning in the gifts of the Spirit, and being in an environment that would challenge me to go deeper is what He is leading me to.  I would love to go to a school of ministry that could equip me in this capacity and/or be poured into by a man of God that would train and disciple me so that i can do the same to others.  I'm looking at a couple schools now, but it's a ways away and i want to be a wise steward of what He has entrusted me at this time.  Although there is still a chance, it does not look like i will be returning to China this next year.  This is difficult knowing there is a need for workers to continue the awesome work that He is doing, but i feel this is what He is leading me to.  As my supporters, friends, and family, i want to fill you in on what He is doing and also ask that you would continue to lift this decision up to Him; that He would speak and lead with clarity and provide everything needed for this to come to fruition in His timing.

I also just wanted to thank you for you lifting up my foot on this trip.  It was so much better than i could have expected and i was allowed to walk around with 16 kg on my back.  A true answer.  It has been hurting quite a bit lately though, so i ask that you would continue to remember that.

I am so appreciative of your love and support back home and i hope to share much more in detail when i see you face to face.  My return flight is now booked and i will return to fresno airport the evening of june 21.  Thank you for your pryrs and for those who have kept in contact.  I love you and ask that He would pour out his Spirit on you and give you a greater revelation of the wisdom and knowledge found only in Jesus Christ.


Requests:
1) that He would stir in the hearts of those who are to replace us this year and continue His work in our students' lives
2) that He would clearly direct and provide everything i need for this next exciting season of my life
3) that He would continue to heal my foot and allow me to walk, run, and play sports again

thank you!

sunrise from kunming airport

Long Beach, Koh Phi Phi Don